Kindness as a positive force
As part of an online class, I was asked to perform five “random acts of kindness” in a single day. It was a wonderful experience, but it left me wondering why kindness matters and why I felt so happy when I focused on being kind. It also occurred to me that “kindness”, defined as the “state of being kind”, still leaves the definition “kind” wide open to interpretation.
Mark Twain said, “Kindness is a language that the blind can see and the deaf can hear”. So kindness seems to be something that is perceived beyond the senses.
Archbishop Demond Tutu stated, “Do your little bit of good where you are; it's those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world.” This may not seem to be true in a world that appears so divided and focused on fear. Yet stop and think about the impact that a simple act of kindness has made on you or someone you love? Maybe kindness is more powerful than we think!
The Dalai Lama states, “My religion is simple. My religion is kindness.” He doesn’t give us a definition, but his life seems to paint a picture of kindness that most people can see.
Author Henry James wrote, “Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. The third is to be kind”. Again, no definition, but clearly expression of kindness is emphasized as a top value.
This blog will explore kindness as a positive force in our lives.
Happiness
The connection between kindness and happiness is a classic “chicken-egg” argument. Many beliefs systems would assert that to be happy one must be “good” which includes following the rules and putting the welfare of others before your own in a selfless way. On the other hand, writer Oscar Wilde mirrored the flip side of the coin in his statement, When we are happy we are always good, but when we are good, we are not always happy.”
Researchers at the University of British Columbia delved into this issue in a 2011 study. Half of study’s participants were asked to recall a time when they gave a gift worth $20-$100 to another person. The remaining participants were asked to recall a time when they gave themselves a similar gift. They were all asked to report the level of happiness they experienced at the time. In part two of the study, each participant was given a small sum of money and told that they could choose to spend or give it to someone. Not surprisingly, people who focused on the memory giving a gift to another reported greater happiness than those who recalled buying something for themselves. The surprising result was that the happier people reported themselves to be in part one of the study, the more likely they were to give away their money in part two, regardless of the memory they had focused on! So it does appear that being happy makes one more inclined to be kind.
Would you say that is true in your experience?
Health
Kindness in the area of health habits is hard to discern if you listen to the advice that is in such abundance from all directions. Is it better for your health to be thin or to have a “bit of meat on your bones”? Is it better to eat meat or be vegan? Is it better to exercise hard 3 times a week for 30 minutes or exercise more moderately every day? Are prescription medicines or herbals and home remedies better for healing the body? There is so much conflicting information everywhere we turn that it is no wonder that many people don’t even want to think about it, never mind make changes! How are we to know when we are being kind to our bodies?
I struggled with losing 10 pounds of post-menopausal weight for more than 15 years. When I stuck to a strict diet, I would lose the weight, but I always gained it back. I felt discouraged and was often felt critical of my body when I looked in the mirror. So this summer I decided to take a new health track. I met with a naturopathic doctor who helped me develop a nutrition and exercise program that really fits ME. Now I feel proud of the changes I have made because I chose them and the pounds are coming off without deprivation. Why? I think it’s because I am happy with myself. My choices are based on kindness in the form of honoring what I need and want no matter what anyone else says or does.
Peace
How do kindness and peace correlate? I know that I lose my peace of mind when I push myself too hard, take on too much, succumb to pressure from other people about my performance, or worry about doing everything “right”. Does this sound familiar? I get feedback about from my mind and body when I am not kind to myself: agitated feelings, memory problems, worried thoughts, sleeplessness, and physical ailments. I have repeated this pattern often enough (unfortunately) to realize that my mind and body are saying, “Please slow down! We can’t do any more. It’s time to go into receiving mode.” “Receiving mode” is the quiet inner space where I stop trying so hard, focus on the things I do right, allow others to help me, and remind myself that I’m basically a good person and people love me even though I’m not perfect.
Wait! Isn’t that the attitude and behavior that could be referred to as “kindness”?
Freedom
You may have noticed that focusing on what you don’t like doesn’t feel good. It creates a sort of inner tunnel vision that allows us to see only more what we’re focused on, reasons to complain or be unhappy. Even the brain conspires against us with a built-in “negativity bias” that causes us to look for things that are wrong so we can protect ourselves from them!
Positive psychology researchers have demonstrated that when we intentionally shift our attention from a negative experience to a genuinely positive one that evokes an emotion such as love, contentment, compassion, joy or awe, we actually begin to perceive and absorb more of the “whole picture” of any situation, which give us more choices. This strategy can be learned and practiced until the brain starts to expect more positive outcomes.
I find that when I'm focused negative judgment about myself, a situation, or another person, I feel cut off from seeing the good in my day. I tend to feel miserable and trapped. However, when I practice looking for goodness in myself, in others, and in the world, I open myself to a wider and broader view of life. That’s what I call freedom.
Practice
Think of a time when someone was kind to you. Take your time with this until you can recall how you felt. Think of a time when you were kind to someone else. Take your time with this until you can recall how you felt. You have a definition of kindness already in your heart. Ask yourself the following questions regularly:
In what way could I be more kind to myself right now?
Do I need kindness from another person today? How will I ask for it?
How will I offer kindness to another person today?
Take action on your answers. Notice the changes in your happiness, health, peace of mind, and experience of freedom. Kindness matters!
