It's Not You...Or Them

Seeking happiness outside ourselves is like waiting for sunshine in a cave facing north.

-Tibetan proverb

Several times in the last week I woke up with a feeling that something was missing or maybe that I was missing something important. My chest felt tight and my stomach was queasy. Almost simultaneously I felt urgent, scared, and helpless. Having a tendency to take on more than my share of responsibility, my mind went to the idea that I must not be doing enough. I thought if I could just be more productive, the awful feeling would go away. I immediately went into action, creating a schedule that would make every hour of my day more productive. Just looking at it made me tired and discouraged. Does this sound a bit like your life?

On the other hand, you may have a tendency to look outside yourself for the reason you wake up feeling yucky some days. Your physical and emotional experience could be very similar to mine, but your mind tends to blame the weather, your partner, the dog, the kids, your boss, the news, or the government. Your automatic action might be to post an angry outburst, launch a tirade about what someone did or did not do, or throw your phone across the room. Unfortunately, the consequence of your outburst may be similar to mine- exhaustion, defeat and discouragement.

Blame is a natural phenomenon. It’s natural for the mind to look for a reason for discomfort so we can make it go away. However, searching for a reason quickly morphs into assigning blame to ourselves or others. In our automatic desire to “get to the bottom” of the problem and fix it, the process can backfire. Focusing on blame distorts our perceptions, ignores vital facts or elements of the situation, wears us out, and leaves us feeling powerless and more distressed than ever.

I talk to many people each day. I’m following emotional and psychological “trends” that are natural, very human reactions to restriction, isolation, loss, and fear of the future. Currently, I’m hearing about distressing “wake up” experiences that happen in the middle of the night or early in the morning. The feeling of overwhelm is intense so we may try to avoid it by assigning blame. However, blame is a thought or a judgment, not a felt experience, so it doesn’t take care of our real emotional needs. Robert Karen, author of The Forgiving Self, states, “Blaming and vindictiveness are ways of not feeling one’s sorrow or shame, and, by corollary, of not caring for oneself. Blame is the anti-mourn, and hence, the anti-self.”

The question is how to soothe and reduce naturally occurring anxiety and angst when so much stress is coming at us from all angles? Essentially, we must access and operate from a “vulnerable heart space, being present to another person without embodying their ‘blame’, anger or emotionally disruptive state — and then having the language to express your needs in a non-judgmental, non-accusatory way” says psychologist Dr. Rick Hanson. ( https://www.rickhanson.net/being-resilient-during-coronavirus )

That can seem like a tall order, too much of a leap from fear or despair. It helps, therefore, to adopt this Chinese proverb as a daily motto: “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step”. Let’s look at some possible steps to begin the journey:

1-Allow your real feelings to make an appearance, preferably with your hands held over your heart. No words are necessary- just feel. This step develops tolerance of difficult emotions.

2-Cultivate self- compassion and acceptance by choosing love instead of fear. For more, read this ancient story…

3- Practice empathy, even when it’s hard. If your empathy well is dry, read about the suffering of just one person or family who is from Covid-19 and imagine what it would be like if that was your life right now. Let your heart open so you can send waves of caring to all beings on the planet who are suffering.

4-Take positive action to address your concern. Write a thoughtful letter or post, talk yourself off the ledge of self-accusation, or tell the person who thinks differently than you how you feel and what you need.

Try This: Release Blame

-When strong feelings erupt suddenly, take a breath or two before you act. Take a moment to “sit” with your raw feelings, physical distress, and/or urgent thoughts, just as they are. You can do it. 

-Visualize blame as an out of control fire- pour some water on it till it dies down

-Ask yourself gently, as you would a child, “What do you need?”

-Do your best to meet that need in a way that makes you feel proud of yourself

-Share your story with someone to reinforce its impact on your resilience

More for you:

1-I’m offering free email coaching through the end of May. Send me an email to get started: beverly@beverlyccs.com