Your Body, Your Friend

And I said to my body, softly, “I want to be your friend.” It took a long breath and replied, “I’ve been waiting my whole life for this”- Nayyirah Waheed

For the first 45 years of my life, I was my body’s biggest critic. At age 6, I resented the gaps left by missing teeth even though the tooth fairy always brought me coins in exchange for taking them. Two years later, I had what my mother called “baby fat”, so when I looked in a mirror, I saw a scowling round jack-o-lantern face. By the time I turned 12, I had slimmed down, but I was frightened by my prematurely woman-like body, with its monthly bleeding that I didn’t fully understand and its budding breasts that I tried to hide from the taunts of 7th grade boys. I hated that my body was incapable of things my classmates seemed to do with ease- hit a softball, climb a rope, shoot a basket.  

Through my teen years, my waist felt too big, my breasts too small, and my overall body too heavy, even though my grandma constantly tried to feed me sweets, saying, “Eat! You’re skinny as a rail!” In college, I rarely thought about my body, being immersed in the world of the mind at school and the world of work when I wasn't studying. I lived primarily on hamburgers, fries, pizza, and Coca-Cola. I avoided mirrors, except when trying on the clothes I purchased with my employee discount. Those years, my body was a mannequin to dress up in the latest styles but not a living entity that mattered to me.

I was excited about learning to cook and pleased to be quite thin when I married. However, my partner turned out to be a man of few foods with a controlling nature. I cooked only what he wanted and ate small enough portions to please him at first. Over time, after multiple pregnancies, my body languished from lack of love and cringed from the extreme regimen of dieting and exercise required to stay thin enough to avoid my partner's crass, ugly comments about "fat" women. When the marriage ended after 17 years, I was unable to see myself as thin even at a weight that would now be considered anorexic.

From that point on, I have engaged in a process of awakening to my body’s true nature and worth. Years of therapy helped me realize that trauma experiences had contributed to a severe disconnection of my mental/spiritual essence from my emotional/corporeal reality. Twenty years later, I am still falling in love with my body. Not with the impossible perfect image that I created as a child, but with the daily, ever-changing experience of being at home in it just as it is.

Unfortunately, too many of us grow up judging, comparing, ignoring, abusing, even hating our bodies. This is not natural or necessary, but such influences as family and cultural conditioning, illness or injury, social media representations, and misbeliefs from abusive experiences can override our innate natural fascination with and love for our physical bodies.

If you struggle with accepting your body, some simple self-assessment questions can help you orient yourself to discerning its needs. Asking yourself the following questions a couple of times a day will also develop your ability to recognize the intimate connection between your mental/emotional state and your body’s well-being.

·     Does your posture feel straight and flexible, slumped, or rigid?

·   Does your heart rate feel too slow, too rapid, or just right?

·   Where are you holding tension? Notice jaw, neck, shoulders, chest, back, and stomach. Do you notice nervous tension- inner jitters, tapping fingers, a headache, or an eye twitch?

·   Has something triggered your fear or changed your mood? A new person or place, a loud noise, public speaking, an argument, the sight of a spider?

·   What do you need to feel calmer? A cozy blanket, a furry companion, a warm drink, a big hug, a walk outside?

·   What do you notice when you breathe? Is your breathing natural or forced? Shallow or deep? Trapped in your chest or expanded into your belly?

Susanna Newsonen (www.psychology.com) has created some “rules” to for learning to like and appreciate your body:

1-Think of movement or exercise as a way to be more happy, healthy, and fit rather than something you do because you need to be “fixed”. Look for activities you truly enjoy, not just tolerate.Collect several options and check in with your body daily to see which one feels right.

2-Treat your body like a sacred temple rather than an annoyance. Nurture it with foods you like that make you feel healthy. Pamper it once in a while with a long bath, a spa treatment, or a massage. Work on getting enough rest, including naps. Let your body tell you what it needs.

3-Look for things to smile about and recall experiences that make you smile. When you smile, you release happiness hormones, which can improve mood, confidence, and productivity. Find things to laugh about or make others laugh.

What if you do all those lovely things for your body and there are still times when your inner Critic’s voice is so loud and strong that it creates rifts in your newly formed friendship with your body? At such times, give yourself an inner boost with these strategies ( adapted from www.instituteforgirlsdevelopment.com ):

·     Notice when you spiral- note the words or feelings you are directing toward yourself and what you are doing when they happen. You may need to step aside for a moment to a quiet place to notice what’s going on. Allow your hands to cover your heart in a gesture of compassion.

·     Refuse to feed your inner “monster”. Immediately shift your attention to something you know makes you feel good about yourself. Continue to breathe slowly and deliberately with your hands over your heart. Take a walk, play music that makes you want to dance, or call someone who loves you just as you are.

·     Imagine your good friend is feeling bad about his or her body. What might you say to that person? Say those same kind words to yourself and let them sink in.

Try This: Befriend your body (adapted from Susan Newsonen)

1.    Locate a real piece of paper (not a computer) and a pen or pencil

2.    Number one through ten down the page

3.    Complete the following sentence 10 times or keep going if you are so inspired

Something I like about my body is…

When you are done, read over the list, take a breath, and say thank you to your body. Read your list when you start comparing yourself to another person or to a delusional ideal.

Share your story with me in the Comment section below…